Alright dudes this one is a real noggin scratcher. There’s babies and babies and paternity tests and fainting and wedding chapels and uncomfortable thoughts for everybody. Well, let’s get into it I guess. 

The summary of this one is pretty short and sweet. Not a whole lot going on. So, Lisa from Saved by the Bell shows up and her name is Cindy now I guess and she’s here to see Carlton and they’re going to fall back in love - how nice! But she has a surprise for dear Carlton! It’s Carlton Jr! Oy gevaldt! 

Then comes some shocked parents and stern talkings to and Carlton and Carlton Jr get matching outfits and then some baby jokes. Now, if you can believe this, Carlton and Cindy are going to elope! Then comes a classic ‘Geoffrey go get so and so, they’re not here’ moment with Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv. 

Then Carlton gets sexist at the wedding chapel, and Cindy takes off. Also somewhere in there Will bursts in to break up the wedding and oh no it’s somebody else up there whoops. Then comes the heart wrenching moment where Carlton confesses that he’s a virgin and we’re all more confused than we were before. 

Hilary, Please go get Lost Watch

Hilary: Oh! Hors d’oeuvres! Isn’t it great being rich?

please tell me more about this magical world

Ashley is Actually Kind of Funny of the Day

Ashley: Carlton the father? He doesn’t even let Barbie and Ken sleep in the same shoe box!

Oh Carlton, if the entire back story about you were true…

Seriously Hillary You are Terrible Watch

Hilary: Can I hold him? Oh, he is so cute!

[Carlton Jr. sneezes or something]

Hilary: Get this snot machine away from me!

I kind of just like whining about Hilary sometimes

Okay, Seriously Dudes, How does Geoffrey Keep This Jobof the Day

Carlton, excited about the door bell that just rang: DOOR DOOR DOOR DOOR!!

Geoffrey: Alright, don’t wet yourself, I’ll get it. 

-AND-

Uncle Phil: Geoffrey, could you get the door for me? 

Geoffrey: Certainly, sir. Run Geoffrey! Fetch Geoffrey! Perhaps you’d like me to catch a frisbee in my teeth!

Did he seriously think the only job requirement of butlering is be a black British guy?

Awww Snap! of the Day

Aunt Viv: Maybe we should call Carlton’s friends.

Uncle Phil: You’re right. I’ll call one, you call the other.

Fresh Prince Subtly Imparts a Message

Aunt Viv: Being a teenage parent is a very big responsibility. And you have already shown yourself to be irresponsible by being in this situation.  How are you going to feed this baby? Where are you going to live? How are you going to educate him?

Boy oh boy, FP, you’re really making me think about some things here. 

Most Implausible Moment

We spend like 18 minutes watching Carlton be all baby crazy then it turns out he’s a virgin. The dude passed out over this whole thing like three times! sometimes this show makes me very slightly angry at the way they wrote this stuff. 

Fresh Prince Quote of the Day

You know dudes, it really feels like this entire episode was a bunch of one-liners held together with the weakest of Carlton-has-a-baby glue. In some ways, it’s hard to pick just one line, but in others it’s hard to pick any of these. 

Alright, so, after having to explain that he’s a virgin and being misheard as having said ‘German’ the first time…

Will: One day the right girl is gonna come along and.. then.. well.. You ain’t gonna be a German forever, ya know. 

Carlton: Good. I’m really looking forward to losing my accent. 

Oh fresh prince, you rascal. 

Okay dudes, this is a first season episode, which are usually pretty terrible, but this one’s pretty good I guess. There’s fewer zingers per minute back in these dusty vaults, but there’s some crazy rich people plotlines, Carlton learns the sad realities of racism and most importantly, we learn a Very Important Lesson. 

So this one starts off kind of boring, Aunt Viv and Uncle Phil are going to a lawyer retreat in Palm Springs or something I dunno, and the rich dude they’re going with is going to have his wife fly their helicopter there. Then there’s a sort of convoluted plan where Carlton is going to drive their car there for them and then play golf. A truly thrilling tale.  

So Will sneaks into the car because of course he does. Carlton gets lost and drives really slowly to get his bearings and then, imagine that, they get pulled over. Cue the ol’ hoary chestnut of “Will comes from Philadelphia and knows a thing or two about being arrested”. Then comes an Abbot and Costello routine between Carlton and the police officer.

When Carlton tries to call the rich guy owner of the car, the party in Palm Springs is really roaring along and Some Wires Get Crossed. Then Geoffrey hangs up on Will. H’oh boy.

Alright, now they’re thrown into the jail cell and their cell mate dude is a master baritone. This is the first time this show used the ‘oh boy we’re in jail and our cell mate is weird’ zinger. Zoweemama we gotta get out of here!

So, because this totally makes sense, Will and Carlton confess to the car thefts on the condition that a camera crew is present, and The Big Game is interrupted by Will and Carlton being hilarious as always.

Uncle Phil and Aunt Viv show up, and then Uncle Phil does the whole I’m a big important guy blah blah and gets Carlton and Will out of jail. Then everyone gets home and ASHLEY HAD ESPRESSO OMG OMG SHE’S HYPER! 

Then Carlton learns A Big Lesson About Racism. Five or six daytime emmies are won between Carlton, Will and Uncle Phil. Then the screen goes to the credits without music. Which is how you know we just experienced a Touching Moment. 

Take My Wife or Spouse… PLEASE! of the day

Uncle Phil, to Ashley, on why she can’t go on the retreat: 

“If I could, I’d put you in my pocket, but this retreat is only for members of the law firm and their wives or spouses.”

uh what about brides, can they come?

Wait did People Actually Talk Like This? Watch

Will comes into the living room thinking he is invited to Palm Springs for some reason:

“Yo dis go’n be HYYYPEEEE!!”

I’m sure it will be. 

How does Geoffrey Keep This Job? of the Day

Uncle Phil, referring to the doorbell: Geoffrey could you get that please?

Geoffrey, carrying two suit cases: Right away, sir, I shall attend to my hernia later. 

Fresh Prince Quote of the Day

Kind of devoid of great zingers, especially from the eponymous Fresh Prince. This One was okay though…

Rich Guy Friend of Uncle Phil: Carlton, you’re nice, responsible young man.

Carlton: And you’re an eminent, respected attorney. And your wife is a dazzling beauty.

Will, to Geoffrey: Yo, G; did you leave a vacuum cleaner on? I just heard a loud sucking noise. 

Hey Abbott! Watch

Police Officer: Okay Fellas, we’ve been having a lot of car thefts in the area lately. You wanna talk about it?

Carlton: Okay, I think it’s terrible!

Police Officer: You makin’ fun of me kid?

Carlton: You’re the one who wanted to talk about it! Frankly, I think it’s a matter for the police to handle!

Will: Carlton, they’re handling it right now.

THIRD BASE!

Well That’s Just Fabulous of the Day

Rich Dude to Carlton: How would you like to drive my Mercedes to Palm Springs this weekend? You could hang around the retreat, play some golf and you know, the chicks in Palm Springs wear the skimpiest of bikinis!

Carlton: Well, I sure could use a good game of golf!

Most Implausible Moment

Really the whole we’re taking a helicopter trip to avoid a two hour drive thing. I mean seriously. There is also the whole thing about The Big Game being interrupted for two suspected car thieves. Because they demanded local news coverage?

You know what dudes, I’m always at a loss for this section. The most implausible moment of the fresh prince is pretty much the entire episode.  

Well, here are with this one guys. It’s pretty slim pickin’s here dudes. We got a lot of Hilary time, the announcement of the worst thing ever, and raging hormones abound at Bel Air Academy. Go ahead and record this one I guess but set your kind of wonky old Tivo to do it. 

So this one starts out with pretty much the worst news a fan of fresh prince could ever get - Nicky is coming. I know dudes, Nicky is terrible pretty much the worst ever. So uncle phil calls the family together and drops the bomb that Aunt Viv is pregnant. Then everyone is all LAWLZ YEAH RIGHT then they’re all like GROSS. Hilary utters her disdain for this with the most stereotypical 90s valley girl Ew ever. This is probably the only time I’ve ever agreed with Hilary on anything ever. Luckily Uncle Phil captured this fine moment on his awesome over the shoulder video camera.

Apparently the time when you start craving food is right after you announce it to people which makes a lot of sense. Hilary is getting kicked out which is fine with me. Then comes the most awkward physical comedy from Will, where he fights Aunt Viv for a sticky bun, those pregnant women, huh? They sure can’t control themselves.

Then I guess Ashley is headed to Bel Air prep now and it’s a co-od school for the first time because this is convenient for the writing staff. Ashley is all worried about being cool. Will is gross as always with the ladies I noticed you noticing me blah blah how many times does this show have to do this schtik jeez. This bit really gets worn out long before it ends, but Carlton gets slammed against a locker by a girl, so that was cool I guess. Oh no Ashley doesn’t feel hot. 

Then Hilary comes back and I was immediately tired of her. Luckily she leaves and then uncle Phil dances just so the show could remind you he used to be cool. Ashley comes home and earns 42 daytime emmies for her character study: ‘Girl Goes to School One Day, Doesn’t Get Constant Cat Calls So She Doesn’t Feel Hot’

Next day Ashley goes to school and now she has a BADittude. She’s also hot now so she’s important I guess. Also the school doesn’t seem to have a very strict dress code so why do they even bother jeez. Will and Carlton feel confused about their sexuality. I just feel confused in general. 

Then, Ashley learns some great life lessons because some dude dumps her for the girl with back because we’re in the 90s again. Will learns the more important life lesson that women aren’t meat but it won’t stick which was unfortunate. 

Uncle Phil - King Among Men of the Day

So Uncle Phil is like Hilary, you fat lard get out of here and I was like YOU GO UNCLE PHIL. 

Hilary: “But we have three extra bedrooms!”

Uncle Phil: “Yes, and we don’t want you in any of them.”

Teenagers, Am I Right? Watch

Uncle Phil: “Don’t worry honey, you have a wonderful personality!”

Ashley: “Oh, so now I’m ugly!”

This would be the time to take back your previous statement, I think.

Most Implausible Moment

School seems to mostly be time spent in hallways between class. Also there don’t seem to be any adults around to police the blatant sexism? Seriously dudes these guys are worse than construction workers from a bad movie. 

Fresh Prince Quote of the Day

Meh. Pretty tough one. So, the very mediocre quote of the day: 

Carlton (not wanting to be seen with Ashley at school): “If you see me around, just act like I’m invisible.”

Will: “If you don’t know what to do, just watch what all the other girls do.”

Okay dudes, this one is pretty scary up front. We got what seems to be a whole Hilary based plot line. Now believe me guys I hear you, but this really is keep two copies on the TiVo good.

So turns out Hilary is one of the best looking weather girls in the country because of course she is. What’s this? Playboy is doing a best-looking-weather-girls edition? It’s called ‘Warm Fronts’? That’s actually kind of clever?

Well Hilary couldn’t be more happy but oh no guess what Uncle Phil could not be less happy! Uncle Phil puts the foot down as only he can, and Hilary is really dumb. 

Will is hanging out with Jackie and she loves those amazingly beautiful half shirts as only the strong woman of the 1990s can not-actually-pull-off. Will wants her I guess but she plays hard to get. Will plays hard to want.

Ashley gets a weird sex talk from Hilary and then whoops it gets turned around on her because this is a convenient way to mention that Ashley is actually more attractive than Hilary. Then guess what there’s a party at the playboy mansion omg Will gets an invite from Hilary zoweemama. But OH NO WILL HAS A DATE WITH JACKIE AT THE SAME TIME AS THE PARTY. *cough cough* sorry jackie I’m sick, go on without me. 

Carlton comes and somehow knows everyone’s plans because of course he does. There’s some pretty good republican jokes and then I’m coming to that party Will! 

Then here we are at the playboy mansion and hello Hugh. Carlton drools a lot and then Jazz is there because sure why not. Back at the homestead, Geoffrey is dropping the bomb that everyone is gone and accepts a bribe to tell them where they are. Uncle Phil fails parenting and being-a-husband 101 and then runs off to the playboy mansion because that’s a place that you can just show up to. 

Will spends some time using the patented Will Smith charm on the ladies and it works about as well as usual. Carlton is high or something and then Uncle Phil shows up. 

Uncle Phil has a heart-to-heart with Hugh and Hugh is like lol, my wife has been in playboy so it’s cool don’t worry yo. Uncle Phil is like yeah right wtf. Then Will is like Jackie I care about you and she’s all that makes one of us. Uncle Phil goes home again and fails being-a-husband 101 again. But then gets a C- in being a parent I guess?

Then OMG Uncle Phil joins a monastery for 2 months between when the pictures are taken and when it comes out because of course he does. Then it turns out Hilary is covered up and Will and Uncle Phil share a weird moment with a playboy. 

Remember the 90’s? Watch

Pretty much every outfit that every girl wears. half shirts on jackie weird high bikinis at the mansion it was all over the place dudes

Gol’durnit Mexican Gardner! Watch

Will comes downstairs with a silly 90s outfit. Ashley puts her hand on his leg

Ashley:”..ssss ¡Ay, Calente!”

Will: “You been hanging out with the Mexican gardner again, haven’t you?”

Ashley: “¡Adios!”

Will Gets Rapey Watch

Will’s amblygada gets pretty disgusting dudes and it turns out he’s pretty much the reason it’s hard to be a woman in this world

Jackie: “Take it easy Homey, you ask like a gentleman. Now if you just keep acting like a gentleman, maybe we can get somewhere.”

Will: “Somewhere… that we can talk lying down? [Jackie walks away] No, I’m sorry I’m sorry. I’m back now. So, look when is good for you?”

Jackie: “I dunno, somewhere in the afternoon, leading into the evening?”

Will: “You know where the evening leads.. [Jackie leaves for reals this time] I’m sorry I need to have that checked!”

Fresh Prince Quote of the Day

This one was kind of devoid of great quotes dudes not gonna lie. This one was alright I guess. Will is excited about going to the playboy mansion and starts that thing where you pretend to make out with yourself

Geoffrey: “Master William, if I could ask you to tear yourself away from yourself…”

There really was not enough Geoffrey in this one seriously. 

Okay dudes, we’re back again - this puppy was worth the wait for sure. Let’s get this rolling.

This one starts fast dudes so I hope you can keep up we got short jokes fat jokes not black enough jokes and poop jokes just to name a few. Zingers were flyin’ all over the place seriously. 

So Phil and Vivian are taking Nicky to Sea World and Phil’s old chum from Princeton is coming to conduct an entrance interview with Carlton because entrance interviews are conducted by alumni? 

Carlton is rejected because of all of his transparent attempts to make himself look charitable. And from all of the jobs he volunteered for. His grades are bad too!! Oh Brother! How will he get into Princeton now? HOW!?! 

Geoffry has the weekend off I guess and lays an insult on Will with such eloquence and panache which has not been seen since Roscoe Lee Browne’s performance in the John Wayne movie The Cowboys - coincidentally Geoffrey is also dressed as a cowboy. 

Ashley, sans parents and man servant decides to throw a party. Carlton has a serious frown/upside down situation going on. Will decides to help by bringing the lamest guy from high school and OH NO HE’S COOL NOW I GUESS. The audience was amazed because they didn’t see that one coming from a mile away. 

Short joke short joke short joke, were these ever all that funny?

Well, Will’s previous method of motivation didn’t work so now he tries tough love. Because Carlton is a total self-loathing whiny brat, he decides to run away to a blues club. 

Ashley takes the place of Hilary for the character that nobody cares about but forces the plot along. party party meeting a boy oh my gosh coming of age blah blah. But at least she’s not Hilary. Or Nicky. Maybe that’s why this episode is so good. 

So Will finds out where Carlton ran off to somehow (here’s how) and drives to the blues club. They talk for ever blah blah blues is awesome bill cosby called wants cosby show back etc. etc. 

Then comes that sitcom moment you’ve been waiting for: 
Carlton: “Will, you couldn’t possibly understand.”

This just in: Will Smith Grows Up in Projects, Not Sure if Father Coming Home.
several racial stereotypes are reinforced. 

So back at home, Ashley’s boy is leaving and then as all sitcom parties do - things get slightly out of hand. A keg! Cigarettes! Ashley preaches a nice mini sermon. Cigarettes are bad, folks. 

So I guess that Carlton didn’t go with Will and Will pulls the old dress-up-as-the-other-guy-oops-this-isn’t-going-so-well gag, which really brought down the house when King Henry I’s court jester dressed up as Empress Matilda, but this time not so much. Then, since these things have a way of working themselves out on sitcoms, Carlton shows up just in the nick of time, earning 17 daytime emmies for best dramatic actor.

So Carlton has an interview and that guy is all impressed. Then he says he’s going to write a letter of recommendation for him. Huh? 

Then Ashley has to clean up the house and feels ashamed about the whole thing or something I dunno. Carlton is all prissy and then Will and Ashley are like, “He’s baaaack!” Hah! Chuckles abound. 

Today’s Quote

This one actually made me laugh out loud, which FP so rarely does these days. 

Will: “What the heck is that?”
Carlton: “It’s a fiber shake. I’ve got an interview tomorrow with an ol’ Princeton chum of dad’s, I need to be strong. I need to be alert. I need to be regular.”
Will:”Ain’t nothin’ in the world gon’ make you regular, man.”

Most Implausible Moment

Well.. hmmm…..
Maybe it was the part where Princeton has some sort of weird backwards undergraduate admission process where you have to track down an alumnus, have him conduct an interview with you, show him all your grades and credentials, write a thesis and several essays on various topics and convince him to write a letter of recommendation for you? And he comes to your house? Bonus points if he’s your dad’s friend?

Or possibly the part where Will gets a call from the call-us-when-your-cousin-runs-away-service. 

Remember the 90’s? Watch

Carlton, with a bowl of M&Ms: “Look: red, yellow, brown, green - that’s the way I understood it to be - but now… blue.”
HAHAHHA oh my gosh it’s 1995 and they just added blue M&Ms to the mix Oh jeez. Well, Just wait till 1998 when crispy M&Ms come out, that’ll flip your lid, there Carlton! 
RIP Crispy M&Ms
1998-2005
One Love.

Short Joke Tally

6, which is one short joke every 3 and 2/3 minutes for all of you playing at home. Let me tell ya, they just keep getting funnier too. 

10 Hot Dogs in a Pack and 8 Buns! No Me Gusta! Watch

Will: “I gotta get me some barbecue sauce, dude tried to play me. They give you same amount whether you get 6 or 16 [nuggets].”

Then Will goes on to talk about how Ashley should stay friends with this one girl until she comes to the age of majority because he is disgusting. 

EDIT: Actually this was pretty much the quote of the day

Geoffry, dressed as a cowboy: “As it is my weekend off, I’ve decided to head to the Circle M dude ranch. There’s nothing like the feel of a wild animal beneath you to recharge your batteries!”
Will: “I know what you’re talking about there, G!”
Geoffry: “No, you don’t. But I do find it rather endearing when you think you do. Have a good weekend.”

Okay dudes, I hope you were able to bear the Slings and Arrowes of outragious Episodes of George Lopez waiting for this one to come on, because this one is seriously awesome - this thing’s seriously like buy a second Tivo to make sure you’ve got it good. So today’s episode starts off honestly pretty dang slow. Little Nicky asks Will and Ashley embarrassing questions about fundamental difference between men and women - Oh no! Ashley wins 5 daytime emmies at this point. And, oh lucky us, there’s a couple of Hilary zingers to keep things rolling. 

So it turns out its one of the 4 bajillion days off that these people seem to have so the boys are going camping and Carlton is dressed like a boy scout for some reason, but also happens to be wearing his UPS shorts? Even though they’re leaving tomorrow? Some very lazy writing goes on involving a fanny pack (hah! Fanny pack! What a funny word!). Carlton bought one of those rafts from an airplane that inflates itself I guess and Will accidentally inflates it in the house (Oh brother!). An apparently precious ‘hurricane lamp’ is broken in the ensuing chaos. 

Since people who live in mansions and whose fathers’ make over a million dollars a year or whatever always squabble over money, Carlton makes Will pay him back for the thing right now (it cost 80 dollars dudes). At the ATM, things do not go so smoothly. 

A robber demands all 80 precious hurricane lamp dollars. Uh - oh. Carlton, apparently new to this whole getting mugged thing, decides to tell the robber essentially, “Wait a moment. The dollars I handed you are not the only dollars I have! If you will just allow me to reach into this pocket, I will procure even more dollars for you!” Huh. Turns out robbers don’t appreciate you reaching into pockets. 

POW! a shot is fired! Oh snap. Turns out Will was shot! But, you can move back from the edge of your seat and let your pounding heart relax, Will is okay. Will’s chin is up, upper lip stiff, and he lays a few zingers from the hospital bed. Everybody nods approvingly and relaxes as if to say, “ah, the spirit of our young Will is still there.” The party really gets rolling when Will does the old give-me-a-hug-OW!-just-kidding-didn’t-actually-hurt routine, which was probably hilarious when King Henry II’s court jester got laid up in hospital and did it, but now… not so much. 

But you don’t have to tell that to Carlton, dudes. Carlton has started a shtick usually reserved for self-important 10 year-olds, the how-can-you-laugh-at-a-time-like-this with a hint of look-over-here-he-was-actually-aiming-at-me-I-could-have-died. ‘Can’t you see what happened I had a traumatic experience blah blah blah’ Jeez Carlton, good thing you’re already at a hospital, we don’t have to call the waahmbulance. 

You know what’s funnier than the old give-me-a-hug-OW!-just-kidding-didn’t-actually-hurt routine? When you do it twice! Double Dutch Treat! Will’s joking gets on Lisa’s nerves but that’s just because he’s actually annoying not because she’s got any butt-hurt. 

So, the next day, Carlton shows up. Carlton’s case of butt-hurt is apparently more than a 24-hour bug, ‘The legal system won’t help, my dad is a judge wah wah wah’. So, Carlton is done with his whining and is ready to leave, and Will needs his hug. Aww cute. Except. Wait. What’s… this? CARLTON HAS A GUN!?!?! 

Will is mad that Carlton has a gun. He leaves Carlton with great life lessons, the kind you can’t get from a book. Carlton is all like, ‘oh yeah well whatever you’re dumb’. Then comes classic save it on the Tivo moments that can never be forgotten: 

Will: “I saved your life, man. I saved your life! Give me the gun, Carlton. Give me the gun. I saved your life, I want the gun!”

Carlton hands the gun to will. Will takes the 6 bullets out of the gun and changes our lives forever with more life lessons. 

Today’s Quote

This was a tough one, dudes. 
Will: “Brother get shot, he get a l’il emotional; give me a hug man!”

Most Implausible Moment

People who live in a mansion and have a man-servant squabble over 80 dollars to the extent that they go to an ATM that night.

It Works Pretty Well for Learning to Dive, but Probably not This Watch

Will: “Carlton, you think it’s just that easy to shoot somebody?”
Carlton: “I’ll close my eyes.”

I Guess They’re Trying to Weave a Stupid Hilary Based Plot Line but Nobody Actually Cares about Hilary Watch

Ashley (reading a magazine to her mother): “It says here in this magazine that when decorating a new home, price should be no object. The more money you spend the better.”
Vivian: “What magazine is that?”
Ashley: “Rich People’s Digest.”
Hilary: “I got a subscription. If I’m going to be decorating my house, I need all the help I can get.” 

Huh? New house? Plus, is the only thing that magazine is about is decorating your new rich-person house? Otherwise, why did she get a subscription? Rich people have no other interests than decorating?

Ugh Hilary, you make my head spin - you’re worse than Nicky sometimes - except that I don’t feel as bad when I say I wish YOU were the one that got shot.

Okay dudes, I really hope you didn’t delete all the olympics from your Tivo for this number, because this one fell flatter than the top of Carton’s head. Apparently Nickelodeon is playing these mamjamas in order, which means we’re knee deep in season five (read: uuggghhhhhh Nicky is terrible).

So this episode starts off with Will hatching a plan that would get child protective services involved pretty quickly in the real world. Taking a 4 and a half year old to the Sorority Beach Volleyball Tournament is basically the worst idea ever. But that’s Will for you. Carlton wants to take Nicky to the Nixon Library for children’s day, but UH OH! Will locks him in a closet. The old Chair-in-front-of-the-door trick is king of the day yet again.

Before Will and Nicky leave, Hilary babbles on about some stupid feud with some TV lady but no one actually cares about this part, partly because it’s Hilary and partly because this is obvious filler to flesh out the weakest plot line ever written. 

So as Will and Nicky are walking out the door, Nicky in his infinite childlike innocence lets slip that he and will are headed to go look at ladies at the beach. Everybody gets mad and Carlton escapes the closet at the most narratively convenient time possible. 

Turns out that Aunt Viv read that Dougie The Whale, a favorite of Nicky’s is going to appear at the mall. Oh goody. Turns out Carlton is a big fan? And sings a few lines of a song: “I love everything, big and small! Cute and ugly, I love them all!” At this point Will makes by far the weakest argument ever made in the history of earth as to why he should have to take Nicky to see Dougie. 

I have to provide a quotation to show you blindly moronic this part is: 

“Now Dougie loves everything. People, am I the only one who finds something terribly wrong with that? (singing, to Nicky) ‘I love bugs and I love death, I love oozing flesh wounds’”

So, would you get this, turns out 4 year olds don’t like when you say that type stuff. Ugh, when will this episode ever end. 

So Will, Nicky and Carlton all head down to the mall to see Dougie the Whale. Carlton gets kicked out of the children’s seating area (ZING!). So Dougie comes out on stage and sings a bit. Then his mic has some feedback and Dougie gets all mad. Then it happens again and he gets even madder! Dougie the Whale even swears a little bit! 

Will goes backstage to talk to Dougie and it turns out Dougie is a jerk. While Will goes backstage, Carlton gets on stage, because that’s what you do when there’s some sort of technical difficulties on stage? Will, in typical fashion starts punching Dougie. Didn’t see that one coming. 

Oh No! Dougie and Will crash onto the stage fighting and Nicky is mad! Nicky earns 23 daytime emmies for acting here. 

Turns out Hilary is dumb. Blah blah blah hilary blah. Then Will goes to Nicky’s room and Nicky is throwing away his Dougie toys (except that the Dougie toys he’s holding are clearly manatee toys). Will learns that Nicky believes in Dougie just like he believes in Santa Clause. 

In an attempt to repair the damage done, Will plans to tell Nicky the truth about tooth fairies and Santa Clause and all that but before he spills the proverbial beans, he sees a girl in one of those skimpy outfits that’s usually called like “Santa’s Little Helper” or whatever at the costume store (I think Santa’s been a bad boy, Mrs. Clause will be so mad). Will follows the girl, because a strange person in the back yard makes total sense, and shouldn’t freak you out at all. WHA WHA WHA WHAAT!?!?! There’s reindeer in the back yard!! DUDES IT’S THE REAL SANTA CLAUSE IN THE POOL HOUSE! Santa’s elves are apparently just regular old midgets. 

Santa has a heart to heart with will and tells him how precious a child’s innocence is. At this point Will neglects to ask Santa for a new writing staff for Christmas, which made me sad. Santa clause looks like he’s been on a bender in the off season - seriously that guy needs help. Well, with his lesson given and the liquor cabinet raided, Santa flies off to give someone else a lecture. 

Then Will babbles on with Nicky about how great Santa Clause is. 

Fadeout and cue music!

This has to be the worst episode ever. Full of Nicky, nonsensical plot, seriously even the laugh track didn’t think this one was funny. I just hope that the next episode I watch is better.

Quote of the Day

Yet again, Geoffrey provides the one glimmer of hope in the entire episode:

Hilary: “Geoffrey! Geoffrey! I’ve been calling you for 15 minutes, didn’t you hear me?”
Geoffrey: “Yes, but I so rarely have a woman scream my name, I was rather enjoying it.”

Remember the 90’s? Watch

Will: “Everybody who’s going to the beach yell Cowabunga!”

That word was always lame. 

Aunt Viv: “Will, at this age, Nicky is like a sponge; he hears something he likes, he’s going to imitate it!”
Will: “Oh, kind of like Micheal Bolton.”

ZING! I had to look this one up dudes. Apparently dude got sued for copyright infringement. Hey-Oh!

Wait, Did People Actually Talk Like This? Watch

Nicky: “Will and me are going trolling for slimmies!”

Most Implausible Moment

This entire episode was a implausibility connoisseur’s dream land. 

The entire part when Dougie was there was ridiculous - first off that a children’s star would be foul-mouthed alcoholic. Secondly that Carlton would just jump on stage when Dougie takes his smoke break. I know that if I were at a say… Weezer concert and there was a problem, I would jump right on stage and sing a few songs. 

Then.. Santa shows up. With some midgets. yeah.

To inaugurate the return of pretty much the best website ever (Saved by the Bell Quote of the Day) I decided to do the same treatment to a show that shares a lot of the same charms, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. 

Okay dudes, first off, I’m pretty sure you should set your Tivo to always record this episode, because this episode’s got it all. I mean, it’s a Very Special Episode and I really don’t care what show it is, if there’s a sitcom having a Very Special Episode, I’m watching it. This one does not disappoint, I assure you. 

So, Will is just workin’ at the Peacock Lounge or whatever and happens to be a dude staring at him. I don’t know where they found this guy, but between the beanie in the middle of summer and the unbreakable gaze, the dude seriously started to creep meout with his staring and I’m not even Will Smith. Dude was pretty much the best ever at staring. 

Will walks up to the guy and asks him if he can get him anything and the guy says, “No, I’m fine, son.” This is the point at which Will knows this is his dad, because people never call men who are younger than them son in situations like this. 

At this point Carlton gets excited because he just loves reconnecting with uncles, apparently. Caaarrlltoooonn… Will needs to connect with his dad, silly!! This is really the only point where Carlton gets to lay some zingers, which is too bad, really. Actually what the heck happens to Carlton the rest of the time seriously.

So after some gum flappin’, Will and his new found dad trot on home to the Banks’ residence where Uncle Phil is all like, “you suck”. Will starts in with his typical, “oh come on” stuff and then Vivian does the only thing that it is narratively convenient for her to do, convince Uncle Phil to let Will do whatever dumb thing it is he wants to do.

Will’s dad hits on basically everyone, except Ashley which was nice.Hillary is only good for the one thing that she does - wearing clothes that don’t make any sense (uh wait why are you wearing a cocktail dress it’s the middle of the afternoon), being hot and dumb. Her uncle promptly begins to hit on her. After hitting on her mom. 

So Geoffrey is in rare form today and makes you wonder even more than usual how he keeps that job. They must not pay him or something. Luckily Nicky is still a baby because Nicky is the worst character ever. 

So Will, still not sure about this whole dad thing, goes with said dad to what appears to be an elementary school fair but turns out to be an amusement park? With multiple roller coasters somewhere? Will’s dad is really good at basketball I guess, which doesn’t enforce any stereotypes at all just like the rest of this show, and Will begins to think that his dad is like the coolest guy ever because he makes several baskets in a row at the amusement park. 

So now that Will has a new best bud, his dad wants to take him with him around the country in his Big Rig so they can reconnect. Uncle Phil gets mad (DUH) and Will is all, “I’ll do what I want”. After some arguing, Will yells, “You’re not my father!” to Uncle Phil and he looks like he’s just learned the truth about the tooth fairy. 

After many Very Deep Thoughts and Mighty Reconciliation, Uncle Phil decides it would be pretty okay for this whole trip thing. Then blah blah blah turns out Will’s dad has a trip to make and can’t take Will. At this point the audience is very surprised, because they weren’t expecting this from the very first mention of the trip. 

Everyone gets very mad, but about a thousand daytime emmies are won by Will in his dramatic blustering after his dad leaves, a la Jessie Spanno with all his yellin’ and yellin’ shifting into despair. Comedy Gold.

Today’s Quote

So, this one comes from Geoffrey who has like two of three funny lines.
Uncle Phil: “I’ve worked my ass off for [Will]!”
Geoffrey: “And it just comes back with a vengeance, doesn’t it, sir?” 
Oh Geoffrey what on earth do you do to stay employed. 

Most Implausible Moment

When we learn that Will’s dad saw him last when he was 3. We learn that this was 14 years ago. This is from the 4th season of FPoBA, so… Will was basically the world’s largest 14 year old in the first season (he was the same size as the opening sequence in the first season). He’s also 17 and in college I guess? Maybe that’s why I’ve never heard of University of Los Angeles. I guess we don’t have any mathematicians in the writing staff.

The Carlton Big Guy Tally

Just one. This one lacked Carlton something fierce, dudes.